The dryer is squeaking, and I need to call the repairman tomorrow,
which reminds me, the vacuum repairman called and said that the vacuum is ready for pick up,
which makes me wonder where did I write down that address,
and I wonder what time they open tomorrow
and it does really matter cause I'll have Paige with me till 11 anyway
and I'm sure they'll be open by 11,
oh and tomorrow if Friday and did Jo and I finalize that playdate for tomorrow?
I'd better text her and find out before its too late!
must be done...
should be done...
should have been done…
Point being, sometimes this loud rambling in my mind actually leads me to a few things that should ideally be addressed. But I think really I wish I could Listen. Occasionally turn off my hamster wheel of a brain and slow it all down. Be still for a moment and figure out what I'm really supposed to do tomorrow. Or just this next moment even.
I want to do a better job on this… Listening.
What if I'd listen? listening to what people are really saying. Asking decent questions and then really hearing the heart behind the response. Listening to what my husband and my kids and those people I love the most are asking for instead of assuming I know. If I'd listen, how much more fully could I love them? What if I'd listen - Trusting what people say instead of making judgements about what they might actually mean? Truly listening.
What if I'd listen? Listen to my own inner dialogue. What if I'd listen again to my dreams, to my hopes, to my inclinations. Weed out the things I know are rubbish from the words of truth that echo back and forth through my heart and mind. What if I'd take these inkling to heart and follow even just a handful of them.
What if I'd listen? Listen again to that still small voice. My own thoughts too often speak so much louder than the still, small voice. What if I would quiet my world, quiet myself and stop and ask to hear.
I did this tonight. I stopped and was still for just a moment and tried to listen. And this is what I heard:
"What would happen if you'd listen?"
What would happen if I'd listen? Can I even remember how? If I listen, will I have the strength or courage to follow through with what I hear?
I will try.
And then this whispers to me: "today, if you hear my voice, do not harden your hearts…"
today, today, today… in these moments of noisy dryers and snoring children and beeping cellphones. this today. not when it next feels convenient to me, not when I am next on vacation, or at a retreat or conference. not next time I am at church or next time I am at the beach. Today.
If you hear my voice
What grabs me is the if. If I can hear. A god big enough to make everything. and there is an if as to if I will hear Him. How noisy as my mind and heart and world become? How busy? How much do I need to stop? Stop and Be. To choose to be still even if just for a moment. See, it doesn't say Today If I decide to speak to you. It says today, if you hear my voice. which implies to me that there is voice that is there to be heard. Its on me if I'm going to pause and hear it.
do not harden your hearts.
This is what breaks me. How often do I actually hear Him and walk right on. And I let my heart grow harder and harder and harder till the "If" part of hearing His voice becomes more and more of a likelihood than a question mark in my day.
And it's the quietest this house has been all day. The kids are to bed, the dog's laying down. The only clicking now is of my fingers trying to work this out on the keyboard. Sending my thoughts out into these tiny pixelated words for maybe someone else to read too or maybe just myself to process through. Maybe if I can relearn to hear Him in this, I'll be able to remember again how to hear Him in the business of my day.
Teach me again. I want to hear what You'd speak. Louder than the squeaky drier, louder than my insecurities speaking to me, louder than the t.v., the social media storm, the daily drone of life… I want to hear You. If I can't stop and listen again to you, what is the rest of this worth? Help me. Help me to stop, to breathe, to ask,to listen and to respond to You faithfully. I feel rusty at this. but tonight I tried to listen and I feel like I maybe heard You say, what would happen if you would really do this. "What if you'd listen?" Okay. I will.
Keep my ears and eyes open and my heart from being hard for you to break into.
selah.
